Well, would you look at that? After drowning all season with my NCAA picks, I’ve saved the day with the first week of our ridiculously named bowl action. I am now, and I hope you are sitting down, .500 both straight up and against the spread. The fact that I’m doing it picking odd Group of Five matchups in bowls named after obscure condiments, unknown western coffee shops and drug dealer burner phone brands is not the point. I’m killing this.
We have another full slate, with games beginning on Thursday for you to halfheartedly watch in the background as you get your house ready for Monday’s Christmas celebration while eyeing every single wine bottle in your pantry, daring you to go ahead and crack one open. Hey, as long as you’re not driving, go ahead. It’ll make working that broom and fixing that porch railing so Gramma doesn’t take a header off the steps that much easier to finish.
THURSDAY
ROOTCLAIM.COM BOCA RATON BOWL
SOUTH FLORIDA VS SYRACUSE (-2, O/U: 56.5)
Location: FAU Stadium, Boca Raton, Fla.
Broadcast: ESPN/ESPN+
Kickoff: Dec. 21, 8 p.m.
What’s a Rootclaim? Do we need to claim roots? If you thought this was a bowl sponsored by some kind of national landscaping service, you are in for a shock when you go to the website this bowl is named after to see what might be the ugliest news site you’ve ever been to. But it’s not. It’s a site where you vote on the news. So, you know, the apocalypse is obviously upon us. Anyway, college football! The Bulls (6-6) come into this oddball Tuesday game off a 3-2 end to the season which saw them get dominated by UTSA and lose by nine to Memphis but hold off Uconn and Charlotte. The Orange (6-6) lost six of their last eight, so you know they’re surging into this bowl matchup sponsored by a website that just might spark another attack on the US Capitol. USF 27, Syracuse 20
FRIDAY
UNION HOME MORTGAGE GASPARILLA BOWL
GEORGIA TECH VS UCF (-4.5, O/U: 67.5)
Location: Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Fla.
Broadcast: ABC/ESPN+
Kickoff: Dec. 22, 6:30 p.m.
When not actively trying to destroy our world economy with sub prime mortgages, Union Home Mortgage has used its ill-gotten gains to sponsor a bowl named, honest to God, after a bloodthirsty famous pirate who hoarded so much stolen wealth its still not all been found. Ironic, you say? I don’t see it. The Yellowjackets (6-6) put together a solid run to end their season, going 3-2 with losses to Clemson and Georgia, far superior teams. The Knights (6-6) bounced back from a five-game losing streak in the middle of the year to wrap 3-1 down the stretch with a monster victory over then No. 15 Oklahoma State. UCF 34, Georgia Tech 23
SATURDAY
76 BIRMINGHAM BOWL
TROY VS DUKE (+7.5, O/U: 44)
Location: Protective Stadium, Birmingham, Ala.
Broadcast: ABC/ESPN+
Kickoff: Dec. 23, Noon
Finally, a bowl named after a company we’ve all heard about, 76 Gas Stations, where you can fill up your truck, buy some beef jerky, pick up a hooker and get into a butterfly knife fight with a guy wielding nunchucks all in a five-minute span. The Trojans (11-2) have surged their way into this Christmas Eve Eve (once we hit this final week before Christmas, we just start adding Eves to every day like great great grandparents) game. After a 1-2 start, Troy reeled off 10 straight wins and most of them were not close. The Blue Devils (7-5) did not have as strong an ending to their 2023 campaign, losing four of their last six, but they did dunk on Pitt in their final game of the year. Troy 27, Duke 20
CARMELLIA BOWL
ARKANSAS STATE VS NORTHERN ILLINOIS (+2.5, O/U: 53.5)
Location: Cramton Bowl, Montgomery, Ala.
Broadcast: ESPN/ESPN+
Kickoff: Dec. 23, Noon
If you thought Tony Soprano’s wife decided to get into the Bowl sponsoring business, you’re wrong. I’m telling you. You’re wrong. Just accept it. No, the Carmellia Bowl is named for Alabama’s state flower, which means it must thrive under constant showers of Oxycontin piss. The Carmellia Bowl has been around since 2014 and hosts an annual game between teams from the Sun Belt and MAC, which is why you’ve never heard of it once in your life. The Red Wolves (6-6) ended its season losing to Marshall, which makes the fact they finished .500 more surprising than anything else I could state. The Huskies (6-6) were a little more impressive at the end, winning five of their last seven including a solid victory over Ohio. Northern Illinois 24, Arkansas State 20
LOCKHEED MARTIN ARMED FORCES BOWL
JAMES MADISON VS AIR FORCE (+2.5, O/U: 41)
Location: Amon G. Carter Stadium, Fort Worth, Texas
Broadcast: ABC/ESPN+
Kickoff: Dec. 23, 3:30 p.m.
It’s a battle of governing philosophy and the strength that gives that same government authority as we celebrate the infusion of the military industrial complex into our daily lives and spots entertainment with the Lockheed Martin Armed Service Bowl. The Dukes (11-1) had to battle the NCAA, even threatening a court case, to get into a bowl in spite of their fantastic record. Hard to believe a school named after Madison, one of the framers of the US Constitution and the fourth president of the United States, might be able to argue logic and win. Anyway, they play the Falcons (8-4), the only service academy that can regularly put up a winning record and remain eligible for this particular bowl celebrating them. Also, it’s one they will undoubtedly lose. JMU 37, Air Force 28
FAMOUS IDAHO POTATO BOWL
GEORGIA STATE VS UTAH STATE (-3, O/U: 62.5)
Location: Albertson Stadium, Boise, Idaho
Broadcast: ESPN/ESPN+
Kickoff: Dec. 23, 3:30 p.m.
We’ve had our fun with these bowl sponsors, but if you think I’m going to make fun of potatoes… taters, for God’s sake, you’re crazy. We love taters here and they can sponsor anything they like. The Panthers (6-6) have been downright pussycats over the final two months of the regular season, falling in six of their last eight games after a 4-0 start. The Aggies (6-6) soaked their way to bowl eligibility by winning three of their last four and scoring 32 or more points in all those victories. Utah State 35, Georgia State 30
68 VENTURES BOWL
SOUTH ALABAMA VS EASTERN MICHIGAN (+16, O/U: 46.5)
Location: Hancock Whitney Stadium, Mobile, Ala.
Broadcast: ESPN/ESPN+
Kickoff: Dec. 23, 7 p.m.
If the name of this bowl sponsor looks familiar, 68 Ventures, it might because it was on the letterhead of the last eviction notice you received before they turned your old apartment complex into hipster condos. The Jaguars (6-6) really leaned into the “Jag” in their name, losing three of their last five games, with wins only over Arkansas State and Marshall, which should barely count. The Eagles (6-6) halted a three-game losing streak with victories over Akron and Buffalo. South Alabama 31, Eastern Michigan 23
SRS DISTRIBUTION LAS VEGAS BOWL
UTAH VS NORTHWESTERN (+6.5, O/U: 41.5)
Location: Allegiant Stadium, Las Vegas, Nev.
Broadcast: ABC/ESPN+
Kickoff: Dec. 23, 7:30 p.m..
If you think a company named SRS Distribution is a trucking and logistics company, then don’t you feel like a fool. Yes, distribution implies some kind of transport, but SRS specializes in things that don’t move, specifically the roof of your house. You say, then why aren’t they called SRS Construction or SRS Roofing and I’ll just say that you obviously don’t understand business. The Utes (8-4) opened the year ranked at No. 14 and ended it stuffed under the wobbly leg of your kitchen table thanks to losses to nearly every ranked team on their schedule. They even got to be the final team Coach Prime and the Colorado Buffaloes stomped to wrap the year. The Wildcats (7-5) won their final three games, all over actual opponents, but lost one of the ugliest games in FBS College Football history in a 10-7 defeat to offensively challenged Iowa to open November. Utah 31, Northwestern 27
EASYPOST HAWAII BOWL
COASTAL CAROLINA VS SAN JOSE STATE (-10.5, O/U: 53.5)
Location: Clarence C.T. Ching Athletics Complex, Honolulu, Hawaii
Broadcast: ESPN/ESPN+
Kickoff: Dec. 23, 10:30 p.m.
Hey, do you hate writing things down? Does the idea of holding a sharpie and filling out a shipping label make you want to run through the wall like a demented Kool-Aid man? Then let EasyPost do that for you, taking a simple, mundane task and making it considerably more technological and way more expensive. We wanted jetpacks, but we get glorified labelmakers. It’s the future! The Chanticleers (7-5) make the trip to the 50th state after losing two straight to end the year, getting trod over by Army by a touchdown and then blown out by JMU. The Spartans (7-5) bounced back from a 1-5 start to the season wo win their last six straight, including one in this very stadium over Hawaii a few days before Halloween. San Jose State 27, Coastal Carolina 17
Last week
Straight up: 8-1
Against the spread: 7-2
Season
Straight up: 32-32
Against the spread: 32-32
Follow Adam Greene on Twitter @TheFirstMan.
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