NFL WEEK 4: POWER RANKINGS
BY ADAM GREENE Week 3 is usually when the NFL begins to calm down a tad. The good teams begin separating from the pack and the bad teams just keep looking worse by the day. For whatever reason, 2022 has decided to break the mold. There’s always plenty of chaos in Week 1 and punditry is rife with overreactions. What no one is ready for is that same chaos to continue every single week for the first month of the season. If you’re still alive in your survival pool, you’ve probably already won the pot. The entirety of the rankings have been shuffled this week, with not only a new franchise in the top spot, but a new team at No. 32. Of course, these are teams that regularly sit atop and a-bottom of the Power Rankings, but it’s notable nonetheless. With no idea what’s going on, it falls to me to deliver the appropriate praise and punishment for these performances in the only way that matters — a completely arbitrary ranking system. 1. GREEN BAY PACKERS (2-1) For the second year in a row, the Packers opened up the season looking like a flaming dog turd before surging to the top of the heap. This time, it took a low scoring victory over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to land them in the top spot. It was only the second time in Aaron Rodgers career that he’s beaten a team QBed by Tom Brady. Maybe we should give an ayahuasca enema a chance Last week: No. 5 2. BUFFALO BILLS (2-1) Losing to a hot Dolphins team in the final seconds isn’t the worst thing for the Bills. They remain the AFC favorites, but it does show you how competitive the conference will be this season. No team was going undefeated, but it’s a shame Buffalo didn’t get longer to flirt with it. Last week: No. 1 3. LOS ANGELES RAMS (2-1) The Rams haven’t looked great this season in spite of their record. Traveling to their arch nemeses, the San Francisco 49ers, who have swept them in the last three regular seasons, this would be a great time to actually show up for four quarters. It’d also be nice to see Allen Robinson really show why the team targeted him in the offseason. Last week: No. 4 4. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (2-1) The Bucs signed COVID-19 super spreader Cole Beasley to their roster only to immediately lose a game in which he did not play. Coincidence? Probably, but I’m still feeling some solid schadenfreude. Last week: No. 2 5. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (2-1) If the Indianapolis Colts had been as good as I thought they’d be in the preseason, last Sunday’s loss wouldn’t have been a shock. As the Colts looked like they were swirling around next to a fishing net filled with rotting cod in the Great Pacific Garbage Gyre for the first two weeks of the season, I was a little stunned that they knocked off Kansas City. Last week: No. 3 6. MIAMI DOLPHINS (3-0) It’s been six years since the Dolphins made the playoffs, but after opening the year 3-0 (and beating the Bills), they sit at a 74.4 percent chance to play on in late January. And for the people who wanted to run Tua Tagovailoa out of South Beach (including his former head coach), he’s No. 2 in the NFL in passing yards, No. 2 in yards per attempt, No 4 in completion percentage and tied for third with Patrick Mahomes in touchdown passes. Preseason: No. 7 7. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (3-0) The Eagles are a good team with one of the easiest schedules in the league. That leads to a 3-0 start. Now, they face their first real test of the season when they host the… checks notes… Jacksonville Jaguars?? Philadelphia should be too surprised that Jacksonville looks as if it has its act together. Their former Super Bowl winning head coach is running the team. Last week: No. 6 8. BALTIMORE RAVENS (2-1) Lamar Jackson continues to not only put up MVP numbers, but generally annoy all the worst people on the planet. In that way, he’s my personal MVP too. Last week: No. 9 9. CINCINNATI BENGALS (1-2) The Bengals managed to avoid an 0-3 start, but even picking up their first win, the road gets no easier. They host the red hot Dolphins Thursday night in a game that Cincinnati hopes will be a playoff preview. Because, if it isn’t, the Bengals won’t be in the tournament. Last week: No. 11 10. DENVER BRONCOS (2-1) The Department of Health and Human Services hasn’t shut down Russell Wilson’s kitchen in Denver just yet, but that’s just because they didn’t see the dead rat king in the freezer. The Broncos have looked terrible in every game this year, but have still managed to win two games. They travel to a desperate Las Vegas Raiders team and can all but end their season in September with another food poison assisted victory. Last week: No. 12 11. LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (1-2) In a hotly contested AFC, the Chargers are going to have to figure out a way to survive with half a Justin Herbert. Luckily, half a Herb is still better than what 20 other NFL teams are fielding on any Sunday. Last week: No. 8 12. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-1) Removed from the lights of prime time, Kirk Cousins once again delivered the goods. It’s his thing to perform at his best when the viewing audience is at its smallest. Last week: No. 14 12. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (1-2) Jimmy Garoppolo’s first start of the season looked more like a stop. Of course, the 49ers don’t have a choice to keep rolling with our favorite porn star aficionado since Trey Lance is out for the year. The good news for Niner fans is that Jimmy G has played like garbage before only to somehow find his mojo facing the very team he’ll play