It’s time to officially kick off a new week of the NFL action as we always do, by arbitrarily ranking teams based on criteria I’ve manufactured solely from my imagination.
1. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (1-0)
The Super Bowl hangover is very real and it shows up every season. Still, with the talent mismatch alone, it was surprising to see the Eagles’ win over the New England Patriots, who should be bad this year, come down to the wire. Still, they got the dub and therefore take over the top spot in the rankings. Last week: No. 2
2. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (1-0)
We only had a handful of teams look great in Week 1, but none looked better than the 49ers, who absolutely dominated the Pittsburgh Steelers in their season opener on the road. They now face one of the other few teams that looked great, the Los Angeles Rams, in SoFi Stadium. A team they’ve beaten in eight straight regular season games. Of course, that “postseason” loss still counts the most. Last week: No. 4
3. MIAMI DOLPHINS (1-0)
The Dolphins made one of our biggest jumps in the Week 2 Power Rankings by looking all but unstoppable on offense. And, the fact that Tua Tagovailoa outdueled Justin Herbert (who played pretty great too) should justify firing Brian Flores and replacing him with Mike McDaniel, who is already getting the Sean McVay and Kyle Shanahan comparisons (and deservedly so). Last week: No. 11
4. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (0-1)
No team with a healthy Patrick Mahomes and a modicum of talent around him is out of it by any stretch, but that Thursday night loss to the Detroit Lions shows that constant attrition and getting your free agents grabbed by other teams nonstop will who up on the field at some point. Last week: No. 1
5. DALLAS COWBOYS (1-0)
I’m pretty sure most of us picked the Cowboys to win on Sunday Night Football. I don’t think any of us expected them to basically win the game after their first defensive stop. The offense didn’t have to do a lot because this might be the best defense in football. Last week: No. 10
6. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (1-0)
The final score looked fine, but the Jags had a surprisingly tough time with the Indianapolis Colts, who might not be as bad as they look on paper. That being said, Calvin Ridley is paying dividends with Trevor Lawrence already. Last week: No. 6
7. BALTIMORE RAVENS (1-0)
Losing JK Dobbins again hurts, but the Ravens have survived that before. They don’t seem to be clicking in the Todd Monken offense just yet and they have a dejected and embarrassed Cincinnati Bengals team in Cincy Sunday. Last week: No. 7
8. CINCINNATI BENGALS (0-1)
After losing in embarrassing fashion to the Cleveland Browns, Bengals wide receiver Ja’Marr Chase said, “I’m just frustrated because I called their a-- elves and we just lost to some elves. I’m not throwing in the towel on Cincy after Week 1, but I may never pick them to win their season opener ever again. This is two bad Week 1 losses in a row. Last week: No. 3
9. LOS ANGELES RAMS (1-0)
To misquote Mark Twain, the demise of the Rams has been greatly exaggerated. The rebuilt offensive line looked great. Matthew Stafford was second only to Tua Tagovailoa in passing performance and Puka Nacua came out of nowhere to be the hottest fantasy football waiver wire pickup of the week thanks to a 30-13 win over the Seattle Seahawks. The real test to see how good this version of the Rams are is this week when they “host” the 49ers in SoFi. I put “host” in quotes, because the local “Rams fans” seem far too eager to sell their tickets to these Niner games. Fun fact: The Rams-49ers game will be the first-ever match up between a quarterback taken No. 1 overall in his draft (Stafford) and a quarterback taken last overall in his draft (Brock Purdy). Last week: No. 19
10. DETROIT LIONS (1-0)
While I think it’s safe to say “nobody believed in the Lions” regarding a victory over the Kansas City Chiefs, I thought they’d hang and keep it close. Why I didn’t account for was the fact that Jared Goff might be the Eli Manning to Patrick Mahomes’ Tom Brady. Goff is 2-0 against Mahomes and outplayed him both times they faced off. Last week: No. 13
11. NEW YORK JETS (1-0)
Well, the Aaron Rodgers era with the New York Jets lasted for a terrific season of HBO’s Hard Knocks and all of four football plays before his Achilles tore and he was out for the season. I wrote in my “What We Learned” column that the Jets should just ride with Zach Wilson now and let what happens happen. There is no Super Bowl winner of a QB out there for them to add and they’d be better off adding another star, perhaps on the offensive line, with the midround pick they’ll end up in the first round of next April’s draft. And, hey, let’s not forget. They still won the game against the Buffalo Bills. Last week: No. 15
12. CLEVELAND BROWNS (1-0)
How dominant was the Browns defense against a loaded Bengals team Sunday? How about at some point Myles Garrett just decided to use a basketball crossover dribble move and it worked to perfection? Last week: No. 18
13. GREEN BAY PACKERS (1-0)
Nothing would please me more than to be wrong about Jordan Love. Matt LaFleur has already proven he’s a great coach and has one of the best coaching records in NFL history. If he can do it with Love, we have to start talking about this guy in the same McVay/Shanahan/Andy Ried conversation. Also, remember in the offseason when Love got trolled for claiming paternity over the Chicago Bears? Who’s trolling now? Last week: No. 27
14. BUFFALO BILLS (0-1)
What doesn’t need to get lost in the Jets surprising win in spite of the devastating loss of Aaron Rodgers for the season was just how absolutely awful Josh Allen played. I made the same Madden curse joke everyone else did at the time, but I don’t think a video game has anything to do with it. Allen can be great, there’s no question. But games like this could cost the Bills a shot at the playoffs when all of us expected them to walk to an AFC East title. Last week: No. 5
15. LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (0-1)
The Chargers offense looks fantastic and anytime you put up 34 points, it means it’s working. But how is the defense this bad? With both Joey Bosa and Khalil Mack? Brandon Staley is supposed to be a defensive coach. If Los Angeles falters this season, he might have to be one again. Last week: No. 8
16. LAS VEGAS RAIDERS (1-0)
So Jimmy Garoppolo is a good quarterback and can win in this league? Who knew? How crazy would it be for Josh McDaniels’ quarterback stupidity to actually work out this time? Last week: No. 22
17. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (1-0)
Derek Carr’s debut for New Orleans came with a win and his first 300 yard passing game in under the fleur de lis. Considering the Raiders won too, this whole Carr exit might work out for everybody. Last week: No. 17
18. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (1-0)
Baker Mayfield told reporters that everyone (and I was part of that team) that counted the Buccaneers out in the preseason motivated them to come out and show what they could do in Week 1. Now they have the Chicago Bears coming up and could be looking at 2-0. Last week: No. 31
19. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (0-1)
We all thought Brian Flores, who obviously (and it’s clear now) deserved to be fired by the Miami Dolphins as their head coach, was at least a good defensive coordinator. But last week Baker Mayfield had all his calls figured out. How does that happen in the NFL?. Last week: No. 9
20. WASHINGTON COMMANDERS (1-0)
For two teams obviously tanking (as best as you can in the NFL with million-dollar professionals with contract incentives and coaches fighting for their livelihoods), the bad news for the Commanders is that they won over the Arizona Cardinals in a game that could, eventually, cost them the No. 1 overall pick in April’s draft. Last week: No. 24
21. NEW YORK GIANTS (0-1)
Here’s a not so fun fact for the Giants. In all of NFL history no team has ever lost 40-0 or worse, lost the sack comparison 7-0 or worse, lost the turnover margin 3-0 or worse had a blocked field goal returned for a touchdown and an interception returned for a touchdown in the same season. New York did it all in one single game. Last week: No. 12
22. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (0-1)
No team looked better in the NFL preseason than the Steelers and their Week 1 performance, and performances across the league prove, finally and forever, that the preseason means absolutely nothing. Last week: No. 14
23. ATLANTA FALCONS (1-0)
The Falcons are officially the lowest ranked winning team in the Power Rankings. In the preseason, you might think they’d be heading for a 2-0 start, but the Packers looked way too good in Week 1. This could be a real game. Last week: No. 29
24. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (0-1)
Weird that a team that shouldn’t have made the playoffs a year ago and wouldn’t have finished with a winning record without a decimated Rams team in the same division somehow looked like a team that won’t make the playoffs this season. Hmmm.. Last week: No. 16
25. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (0-1)
Look at that. An 0-1 start and the Miami Dolphins coming to town this Sunday to make it 0-2. Hard Knocks is going to be a fun watch next summer. Last week: No. 21
26. TENNESSEE TITANS (0-1)
Whether you like the Will Levis pick or not (and, trust me, I do not), we could see him in Tennessee sooner rather than later after Ryan Tannehill’s three pick performance in a one-point loss to the Saints. Last week: No. 20
27. DENVER BRONCOS (0-1)
Sean Payton is a great coach and there’s no question about it. His problem has always been his hubris, the desperate love of the smell of his own farts. Opening Week 1 against the Raiders with a surprise onside kick (like he did, brilliantly, in the Saints Super Bowl win over the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLIV) was the perfect example. It didn’t work this time. Nothing worked this time. Last week: No. 22
28. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (0-1)
Anthony Richardson banged up his knee and needs to take care of himself, but Indy did not look terrible. They were competitive against a team that made it to the AFC Divisional Round last season. Last week: No. 25
29. CHICAGO BEARS (0-1)
Hey, we were all shocked at how bad the Bears looked against the Packers in Week 1, but no one should be shocked that this team is still bad. The idea that they were a potential playoff team was always ridiculous. Last week: No. 26
30. HOUSTON TEXANS (0-1)
The Texans were in the game with the Ravens for a while, so, hey, that’s something. And considering they spent most of last season at No. 31 or 32, being 30 here is not so bad. Last week: No. 28
31. CAROLINA PANTHERS (0-1)
The bad thing for the Panthers, considering how much they need to add to the team, they won’t have a first-round pick to do it. Bryce Young is probably worth it, but this team will hang around the basement of the rankings all season. Last week: No. 30
32. ARIZONA CARDINALS (0-1)
Man, for a team staring hard at the No. 1 overall pick and maybe a difficult decision between keeping Kyler Murray coming off an injury or bringing Caleb Williams, this team played pretty hard against its fellow tankers, the Commanders, Sunday. Last week: No. 32
Follow Adam Greene on Twitter @TheFirstMan.
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